ca·thar·sis-2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
its always hard to get back into the groove of doing this...
i feel like i'm in a pretty good place right now, or i'm getting there...
its just been nice to have the time to figure out what I want to do and what i dont want to do, even though I'm kind of confused about where i'm at and where i'm going...this whole growing up thing isn't as hard as it looks but its definitely scary and confusing, but i'm working on it as i go along...
i'm also alot happier than i was in the below situation...still kinda kicks me in the head a lil bit every time i see him around, i dont know why its been so hard to get over...but that makes room for something bigger and better right? with less children and more motivation, ha ha ha....
school is not so bad this semester...chemistry is definetley going to drive me crazy, but i'm trying to avoid that situation with all my power...the volunteering i'm doing is going well so far, and i'm looking forward to the family books project because I get to read out loud...
anyway, it's HW time, so until my next fit of procrastination...
Sure, I was hurt by his complete ignorance of how I felt, but what if there was a good reason? I don't even know why I continue to rationalize the lies, saying "hello"s when they should be goodbyes, but tears come to my eyes at the thought of TRULY ` LETTING GO.
I'd rather hang on, lie in the wait for the next date or the next time he hugs me and tells me its not to late to get what I want in life... Now when it was good, it was great, and maybe that's why this is allso hard for me to walk away from. Maybe i'm in too deep but sometimes I can't sleep as I wonder and think about where he is and what he's doing. And after I wait I just get irate at the fact that the call never comes.
Yet still I SIT by the phone *69 over again to see if maybe I missed a call from the happiness I felt and the things that made me melt into a big pile of soft sweet mush.
I told myself at first that it wasn't my style, me fall for a nigga? wild. Wow, it happened somehow in between the late night phonecalls and the morning wakeups.
Not love, just a little bit sprung,
I even loved the son...and still, I wonder if he's thinking about me or concerned about what I'm doing. There's always the others to take up the space but I'm not sure I want to replace what I had when I started off the semester.
I can't believe its happening to me again because once more, I allow the power of a male to put me in a place I dont want to be, while he continues not.thinking.of.me. The tears even came, there was only one other, ONE OTHER BROTHER who tooke me to the point of tears when out of nowhere he decides I'm not good enough for what he's doing with his life and last summer I got TOUGH, said I'd had ennough of the emotional nonsense and shut them out... But he said he didnt want to be like everyone else, that he wasn't like the last nigga who did me wrong. And when I should have been aloof I slighted the truth I fell for the lie and now I'm the one who has to cry? Funny how it all works out. Maybe I should have been more alert...Its my fault after all, I could have kept controlof the situation but instead I layed back
and rested my head on shoulder comfortably his
and fell asleep, and woke up refreshed and awake and happy, yet still sleeping on the fact that I had started to let go and loosen my grip on what I had been guarding so well hoping that he would take it and keep it not drop it and leave it right when that spot on his shoulder that I first rested on had gotten comfortable and I instantly knew where I wanted to rest.
He was passing the test but I guess he was cheating because he sure had me fooled into thinkin that he knew how much it took to give him the things he got from me no matter how little it was it took alot for me to give it a shot.
And its silly of me to ask will I give him another chance because, after all, thats assuming he will call...
So many times i wanna use that phrase...ohh god...the past 2 months
have been real interesting, good, bad, everything in between...there
were those couple of times that i just wanted to quit school and be a
bum and not deal with life but i realize that of course, that isn't
going to work out for me...so i deal, or i ignore, one of the two
untill i can't ignore anymore then i'm forced to deal with whatever it
is that i don't have time for, or don't want to have time for,
whatever...
i ain't jesus, i'm not perfect, so why should i pretend like i am...my favorite part of all is that right now, even my mother thinks that i'm a whore,
and i don't even know what to say about that...she called me earlier
this week yelling about how i came home at 4am when i was in the a on
saturday, and when i told her what i was doing, she basically told me
that i was lying...so seriously, i was out playing spades until almost
4am, not drinking, not smoking, not having sex, but its hard for her to
understand, i guess, that people can do that all night long and not get
tired of it, i guess. she keeps telling me that she's been hearing
about what goes on down here at uf, and then when i ask her to tell me
what she's talking about, she gets mad and tells me that i need to examine myself and figure it out! what the hell is that supposed to mean?!
if she heard something from my sister or whoever, its probably best
that she just stb(stop the bull) and get real so i dont have to run
circles in my head trying to guess what she's talking about. it kinda
hurts that if my sister heard something, she wouldn't just ask me about
it before she ran off telling my mother about whatever it is i did or
didn't do, which is why i haven't spoken to her in a week and we
usually talk everyday...i guess every week i hope there will be no
drama but i can't seem to escape it, no matter how hard i try, it just
keeps coming back over and over again, oh god, when will it end...i'm
probably headed toward another 3 hours of crying like i had in january
once i stop not giving a damn and start caring about everything thats
going wrong right now...
me and my best friend are also not talking, and i should have hit her
in the face when i had the chance for saying the things she did about
me...i really can't believe she could say that i haven't done anything
for her, that she "gives 250%% and only gets 20% in return", when in
the past 2 years of my life, EVERY TIME i've gotten in trouble, its been because of her.
she'd call me crying and say she got in a fight with her mom, and i'd
drive 30 minutes just with the hopes that i'd be able to cheer her up,
stay out past curfew, and get in trouble. but for some reason, she has
this skewed perception of our friendship that i would rather choose a
guy over her, and that i'm a ho, and i suck everyone's dick and have
sex with everyone and in the process, i run over her and am shady and
leave her hanging when all she's done is give me her best, never done
anything wrong, never pissed me off, never dawgged me out for a boy,
and a few clear, recent examples come to mind when i think of that
topic, but when she was yelling and asking me to give her examples of
time she did me wrong, countless experiences went racing through my
mind, but being the more mature person in the argument, i decided not to bring that up,
because all that would have done was added to the nonsense....then she
tells me that she thought i grew up, and boy did she read my mind on
exactly what i was thinking about her. i am constantly defending her to
my family and friends, who all think i should not be friends with her,
telling them that she's settled down, and grown up, but she showed me her childish foolishness once again on saturday night,
and honestly, i was appalled...it's like she was ending the friendship,
and the way she was acting, i really didn't give a damn! i just been
dealing with so many people coming and going that now its just whatever
happens happens.
Json keeps telling me that i must be doing something wrong since
everyone its turning away from me right now, but to me, i just got one
less person to worry about during a time where i should be worried
about me and my books because when i get too worried about other people
is about when i start screwing everything up, so i'll just keep on
doing what i'm doing now. I'm 18, i want to have a good time, i want to
pass my classes, i want to be successful, i want to maintain healthy
relationships with other people, but its seeming to me that its too
much to manage and i can only do one at a time, not all of them...i'm
just too tired, physically and mentally, to really care about alot of
things right now, and i think people are taking that in the wrong way...
